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VIEW: The conspiracy behind the conspiracy —Syed Mansoor Hussain

The Muslim ‘ulema’ in Denmark got upset as Muslim ‘ulema’ are wont to and spread the word. In time the rest of the Ummah got incensed as it is wont to and one thing led to another. Some Muslim dictators took advantage of the situation to score a few points, as they are wont to. But this ‘wonting to’ sounds much too reasonable

Being a committed conspiracy nut I believe that the whole world is being manipulated by a group of people that nobody really knows about. Over the last few years I have been trying to develop a grand unifying theory that explains everything. During the Cold War, the West blamed everything on the communists while the communists blamed everything on the capitalists and their running dogs. The communists obviously cannot be blamed any longer for much of anything.

Within the West major suspects include the CIA, multi-national corporations, big oil and of course the Zionists. In the US, there was much talk of the tri-lateral commission, the UN, Freemasons and more recently the Illuminati. Non-Catholics also try and bring the Vatican into this circle of movers and shakers. Over the last decade or so, big oil seems to have emerged as the primary suspect. The fact that the price of oil has tripled over the last few years seems to support this interpretation.

After coming to Pakistan, I developed a different perspective and now could see things from the outside in. The biggest problem for me was to integrate the Al Qaeda phenomenon into this equation. Here, the most interesting conspiracy theory I ever came across was that after the Taliban had pacified Afghanistan, and the Central Asia to Pakistan through Afghanistan gas pipeline became a possibility (something that would have created problems for the oil rich Middle East kingdoms) a Saudi millionaire previously trained by the CIA suddenly turned up in Afghanistan and changed everything.

Most people when they think of big oil think of the US, but that is not true. The US is as much at the mercy of big oil as the rest of the world. Moreover, no US government could possibly be party to what happened on 9/11. So, it would seem that perhaps those that run things use the US governments just as they use other governments. A parallel can be found between the major arms manufacturers of the last century that manipulated governments during the two world wars. Almost 50 years ago President Eisenhower, famously warned the people of the US about the military-industrial complex.

All this seemed to make perfect sense until along came the situation of the Danish cartoons. This turned everything topsy-turvy. A small country too far from anything worthwhile selling mostly dairy products was suddenly in the limelight. And, the entire Muslim Ummah became enraged. We know that the Muslim Ummah has a penchant for getting enraged mostly over matters of blasphemy and occasionally the desecration of the Holy Book. However, most times that the Ummah gets enraged, the price of oil goes up.

If one scans the different chat rooms populated mostly by Muslims, the emergent conspiracy theory seems to involve the ‘Zionist’ entity. Evidently, the people in Norway were thinking of boycotting this entity. To what effect is doubtful, nevertheless that seemed to be their intention. To put them right, somehow the Zionist entity forced an obscure newspaper in Denmark to publish blasphemous cartoons (the Zionist entity evidently got confused between Norway and Denmark — a forgivable lapse). Then this same entity forced the Muslim ulema from Denmark to travel the world over and spread this news.

In time the Zionist entity was evidently able to mobilise the entire Ummah to protest this latest attack on Islam and the Muslims, especially so in the two most virulent anti-Zionist entities around, namely Syria and Iran. All this of course presumes that the Zionist entity controls the Ummah. Considering the state of the Ummah, this might be possible though highly unlikely. But then who does control the Ummah or has it reached the point where anybody can lead it around like a lost child?

It would seem that a right wing racist Danish newspaper editor tried to make fun of Muslims. The Muslim ulema in Denmark got upset as Muslim ulema are wont to and spread the word. In time the rest of the Ummah got incensed as it is wont to and one thing led to another. Some Muslim dictators took advantage of the situation to score a few points, as they are wont to. But all this ‘wonting to’ sounds much too reasonable and runs contrary to the universal law of conspiracies.

Before I go further, I must mention the fact that the Danes seem to be blaming the Swiss food giant Nestle for their misfortunes. To believe that somebody as innocuous as manufacturers of chocolates and bottled water could be behind all this seems a little difficult to imagine. But in the world of conspiracy theorists anything is possible. And if we look hard enough I am sure we will find some connection between bottled water and oil.

Clearly somebody has been driving this issue for the last five months, and it takes money to do that. The question then is who was providing the money to arrange all this. The ulema as we well know rarely spend their own money on things as important as this. And, within the Ummah, the only people who have the sort of money needed for such activity are the oil producers. So, back we are with big oil. Only the ‘why’ needs to be figured out.

Finally, discoverers of such conspiracies often run into trouble. Those that remember the remarkably prescient early 1970s movie Three Days of the Condor about a CIA plot to invade and take over oil producing countries of the Middle East might also remember how the Robert Redford character who discovered that plot had to run for his life. And, those that have seen the recent movie Syriana also know what finally happened to the George Clooney character. I hope that if I do get into trouble because of all this, I end up like the Redford character rather than the Clooney character.

Syed Mansoor Hussain has practised and taught medicine in the US. He can be reached at smhmbbs70@yahoo.com

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